I’ve been feeling so sick lately. My body’s fighting an invisible battle only my mind can comprehend. Or maybe that’s not even possible. I’ve lived my whole life with certain beliefs. Many authors, like Carl G. Jung, say that the subconscious is developed in the first 7 years of life. I feel like these beliefs formed for me are on shaky ground at the moment.

I’ve been exploring more of my psyche and challenging some of the convictions I have stored so deeply. This whole time it has been packaged far away in my subconscious, but nothing ever stays hidden for long, does it?

This makes me think—how open do I want to be? Do I share my moments of not feeling good enough or measuring up to certain societal standards? I could say I’ve been lucky—I’ve been able to share with other odd individuals (then we have to go into what’s the norm truly) that also live life on shifting timelines.

Quitting corporate at 25 to go back to school wasn’t on my bingo card, but if I hadn’t done it, I felt like I would’ve drowned. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe in certain spaces or when there’s a lot of crowd – I somehow feel the need to fit in. By all means, we’re pack animals, us humans, which means we don’t always make the smartest choices when in groups.

“But I’ve been lucky..” I tell myself as I continue to meet new faces every week, because I need new perspectives like I need fresh drinking water. That’s one thing I miss about living abroad—the cultural exchange. I don’t really read the news, but I do read people. I’ve gotten better over the years, and I can tell so much more by the expression, the nuance, and the tone than by delving into some populistic article online.

Maybe this is what’s saving me from going mad. I like my mind sometimes, don’t get me wrong, but then I can also be my worst enemy. It’s not even the people I fear; it’s myself and my own criticism that brings me down the most. At least I know who’s at fault. 🙂 Isn’t self-awareness a gift? Self-awareness plus self-compassion is the winning lottery ticket; simply awareness seems like a punishment to me.

Being alone with your mind, you learn a lot. No wonder people bounce from relationship to relationship, as that’s so much easier than this state. As someone who’s been single for 3 years, I see things differently now. It’s such a strength to be by yourself; you never know until you try it because that’s where the real demons come out. Learning how to manage your own mind, cook for yourself, and indulge in self-care. It’s a gift and a luxury a lot of our ancestors didn’t experience.

Reprogramming, rearranging, recharging—that’s what I leave you with because that’s what I’ve been doing. Oh, and also this quote from my beloved Jung: “Life begins at 40; the first 40 years are just research and development.” Who knows—maybe he has a point! I’m also slowly reading a book about him, so far I’ve been very intrigued. Maybe I’ll tell you more about it too..