Tonight I thought: “I could write something, or I’ll go crazy..” It’s actually quite the opposite. The process I’m in is like no other. Maybe one day they’ll name it “clinically questionable,” but for now, I feel good and healthy.

I’ve heard that nobody likes a happy writer. I could agree. What is there to moan about? So, I’ll just gloat – after so many years, I’m finally finishing my psychology degree. It’s been 6 years now since I started in the Netherlands. Isn’t it funny how fast the time flies? I feel like I should be flying high soon as well. It feels like I’ve worked through my karma in my homeland, and I’m ready to move on.

It’s not just a rash decision this time; I’ve thought it out bit by bit. I’ve been doing intense body work, visualisations, and hypnosis. I can’t believe how much it has helped me sort my brain out. The other day, I came home after physiotherapy, and I felt so relaxed in my body. Finally!!! After all the weight on my shoulders and back, I felt relieved. I started massaging my jaw, and I almost blacked out and threw up. There was so much pinned-up tension, my body viscerally reacted.

It’s difficult to fathom how much stress and emotion our bodies carry. Then, we worry about all these health issues, plus, diet, plus, exercise, because none of the tension is released. Adulting is hard, and I don’t even have any children. I’m my only project, my moon and my stars, my start and my finish. Who knew I’m high-maintenance and not the easiest to deal with?

Last few weeks, I was having very vivid dreams – all very symbolic, all coming from the subconscious. Going through the motions and analysing the content later felt like a child holding their own hand in a dark room and calling it faith. I think it helped me realize what’s in that little black box, that Pandora’s box inside my brain nobody wants to touch. I feel like I want to. Not only do I want to know other people’s ins and outs, but, most importantly, my own.

I feel that knowing other people is knowing yourself first. I came across this in some other places as well – in school, I could see how I was not in alignment with some people. Yet, I have to do all these revealing exercises and expose myself to the crowd of unknown people. We did role-plays as people we hate, and that evoked big emotions in us. Oh, man, how amusing was that.. You can see a glimpse of everyone’s psyche. The extremes, like a homeless, careless person for someone who’s obsessed with discipline, a billionaire’s girlfriend, a narcissistic maniac. Yet, it all said something about us, our state, and our values.

If I look at these characters, we have similar values. The execution is different. It manifests differently, but we’re all connected in some ways. It’s just our shadows that seep through the curtains. I’ve been getting to know my demons, as we all know from my previous work. It’s not all that scary. I’d say the darkness has its perks too 🙂