There has been a longer pause from me. For a good reason, I had to stop performing and start to feel my body. This is somewhat a recurring issue in my whole life—running away from my feelings and trying to achieve as much as possible until I crash out. I wish I could say I’m passed it, but the feelings of burnout follow suit.

Whenever I’ve told someone new my life story, their reaction 9 times out of 10 is “Wow, I’m so glad you’re still alive!” I thought to look into that—what has kept me alive all this time? I realized it was sheer willpower and the appetite for revenge. Otherwise, I have no idea how to describe it. For the longest time, my anger got me out of bed each morning, but now it seems to work against me—my body doesn’t seem to like this motivation and is asking for more healthy coping mechanisms.

Trying to prove something, mostly to myself, has taken a big toll on me, too. While I’ve never shied away from a challenge, there comes a time when it’s all too much, and I need to build a comfort zone for myself. See, I’ve never been comfortable for long in my entire life. I heard somewhere that for people like me, that should be more of a mission. I don’t need to “get out of my comfort zone”; that is a more useful piece of advice for more sheltered people than me. This revelation has been life-changing for me.

By the way, I’ve finally realized how to use a semicolon, yet another life-changing experience..

I’ve been starting to be more in tune with my body and sensuality. This has been something I’ve worked on for a while, but starting a somatic therapy practice has been an immense help. You see, we can talk a big game about the trauma, but the roots and emotions are stored in the body. One day, I came into the practice, and my exercise was to scream, kick, cry, and fully crash out like I was not allowed to before. This experience unlocked something in me.. It freed up a space inside of me to say more, feel more, and express unapologetically.

Also, I just started to work as a nanny again; yet another side-hustle. I think it’s changing my brain chemistry.. The child is sensitive; he reminds me of me, but this time, the people around him respect these differences, and I think it’s healing me, too. At first, it felt triggering to deal with his emotions and figure out how to approach him, but with the help of his mother, we have been doing a good job during this adjustment period. This reminds me.. I recently saw a family member, and I did express my feelings towards something. I quickly realized I was not as convenient for her as she wanted me to be. It made me look differently at this connection, understanding that some people will not be a part of my healing journey because it reminds them of the broken parts within themselves.

Anger is a funny thing, but a lovely one at that. I think I’m learning to not be afraid of it; it’s a signal, a boundary, a life-saver at best. I’m full of sacred, generational, feminine, and sometimes masculine rage that is slowly rearing its beautiful head outside my chest. I no longer want to keep it inside, as it needs to be expressed, sometimes through broken jars or boxing, or maybe when my neighbors hear me screaming out loud, but it wants to flow and come out of my body from all the ways it was suppressed and internalized before. I have to respect that. And sometimes I can also say it to the person; I can be “difficult” and not “easy to manage” as well. It’s my birthright and yours, too.

I remember an ex once told me what his mom said about happiness (not the exact words, but the gist)—no one’s content all the time, but you do get glimpses and moments where you feel full. It’s interesting how you can feel angry, happy, sad, compassionate, and grieving all at once. It’s not an easy reality to manage or hold all together, but if there’s anything I’ve learned from my studies, it’s that two or more things can be true at once.