I’ve been spending a lot of time in my mind lately. Thinking too much about what I’m showing, what is true, and what is the higher meaning. I’ve come to a nihilistic conclusion that in the end, none of it matters. The end.

Okay, I can’t leave it like this because it wouldn’t convey my thought process or how I got there.

Lately, the people close to me and I have felt a pending sense of doom. Looking at the state of the world, our own traumas and unresolved feelings, not to mention the uncertainty, it has felt heavy and dark, at the very least gloomy. Maybe it’s the result of becoming more aware and grounded, leaving the illusions behind. I didn’t say dreams, but the delusion of how the world works.

There’s an order. There’s always a system to everything. Even for an event like the World Cup, every outlet feels more and more controlled. It’s something most of us don’t have any say in, and I doubt we ever will. It’s about understanding the oppression and seeing how to thrive in a human life despite it. At some moments, there’s a glimpse of humanity.

We live very isolated and algorithmic lives. For this reason, I decided to take a break from Instagram again. I realized that over the past years, I’ve become addicted again, and I’m thinking to myself about how to post, what it will say, and how I’ll be received. Even with about 300 followers, it still crosses my mind.

I’ve always liked to build an aesthetic, with art and fashion at its center. Although sometimes it can feel too curated. I’m a very private person, but I’m not trying to create mystique on purpose—there genuinely are parts I don’t feel like sharing with anybody online. A lot of the time, it’s my direct location. While the locations change, I tend not to be comfortable with being seen all the time. I retreat to my cocoon I’ve built for myself and lean into the next change..

Since the beginning of this year, I’ve been in the midst of a huge transformation. I’m invested in a huge change, a shift of focus and priorities. But some days, I’m counting my marbles on the floor.

It’s not all soft and glowy, but I try to focus on what I love the most while my mind is navigating its polarities and pitfalls. I guess that’s why I moved to Paris for a while—to figure out my next step. So far, I’ve had a lot of fun, but at the same time, I’ve felt a deep sense of heaviness in my chest. Everything I once knew is gone; it was a shaky, unstable ground that was never going to give me the fruits of my labor. Still leaves a question: what comes next?

Then, I came back to where it all began—to Nijmegen.

I moved there right after high school, all those years ago, to escape the life I hated. I hadn’t been here in 7 years, and it felt odd. All the old little streets I used to walk with so much hope but also dread in my chest. Now, after all those years, I see there’s so much I didn’t know yet, and the only thing I’d say now to my younger self is that none of those worries matter.

It reminds me of the Linkin Park song “In the End”; that’s my closest reference. It rings true no matter the time period of your life. All the concerns about how you look, what others think, how I will be perceived, will they like me, will I succeed, will I win in that fight. That’s all an ego trap that leads nowhere. The truth is much simpler: you have to be able to see past the manipulation.

I haven’t figured everything out or discovered a secret recipe; so much is still unwritten (reminds me of another song) and left for interpretation. However, the path seems clearer, and somehow finding the balance, protecting my energy, and living with dignity and my truth are the only things that really stay. The rest is fleeting and an attachment to something that can never be kept or controlled. Although I like to control and manage everything, I’m learning to maintain that Zen each day of my life.

We add meaning to why we were born, what happened in our past lives, and how we can improve our lives and businesses, adding flavor to an already somewhat meaningless experience on a floating rock. I think it’s about stripping away all these shields and statuses we have added to ourselves and looking inside to see the soul—she does crave something—to speak, to create, to envision, to lead. In the end, that is the only thought that matters and is worth catering to.

I’m going to oppose the view I gave at the start—something does matter. It may not be an inherent meaning. It’s that you have to give it a meaning yourself.