I recently chose a course in psycholinguistics. I can’t tell yet if it’s for me, which is surprising—I’m such a language-based person. Any process for me always starts with communication. First and foremost with myself. I’ve learned how to admit to myself some dark expressions of my thoughts and inner criticism. It’s all a part of the shadow work I’ve been doing.

I’ve let myself be more creative and not as structured; you could say that I’m not as “perfectionistic” anymore. Some moral and bodily perfectionism is still there, but it’s a work in progress. It made me wonder—why is it so difficult to accept our tendencies? I was having a conversation about teeth whitening with my hygienist, and she told me, “Maybe you need to accept yourself more.” It touched a deep string.. Maybe my teeth were fine and I was just heading in the wrong direction. Self-acceptance is something I’ve never been taught or even witnessed around me. It felt like I should delve into this topic more.

I’ve faced my body-image issues since I was 12. I first remember thinking my thighs were too big at that point. Into the teenage years I spent so much time at the gym due to the notion that I was “too overweight.” Mind you, I weighed 10 kilograms less than now. Seems ridiculous now. This body dysmorphia had a huge influence on my life. When I look back now on my pictures, I have so much love and empathy for myself. I was so beautiful and wonderful. I feel truly saddened that I didn’t feel like that at the time, but it’s a process.

A lot has changed—now I walk past a mirror, and I think to myself that my face is eternal. I recently did a bathtub photoshoot. I was so nervous at first, but I felt so comfortable with the photographer and myself in the situation. I was so glad I did it. Now, I’ve signed up for a drawing session… possibly naked. Depends on my comfort level, but it doesn’t scare me or make me worried, because I view my body as an art piece. It’s not exactly what is promoted by society, but it’s unique and beautiful in my own, personal way.

It gets me thinking as to why I needed to look like everyone else. The answer is quite near—it’s about the sense of belonging and being a part of a group. A lot of content creators these days are getting surgery. It makes me feel worried, as their audience is so impressionable. I remember myself as a teen and all the insecurities I used to have. Possibly, they don’t even need a breast augmentation, but their bestie is doing it through a collaboration with a clinic.

I recently took my lip filler out. I look at my lips and facial proportions now, and I’m happy I made this decision. I’m an experimenter when it comes to my look—my hair has been all colors that are known in nature (and even unnatural ones), but in this moment in time, it felt like I needed to get back to my roots. Would I get surgery in the future? I have no clear answer. There’s a lot of discourse on this topic online, about “aging gracefully.” It’s hard to stand out like a sore thumb when everyone’s getting Botox. Some people enjoy artificial beauty: they like the look, and honestly, there’s nothing wrong with that. As long as you can look at yourself and be truly satisfied, who is anyone else to dictate your decisions?

Being more in my body and in communication with myself has both healed me and ruined me. By ruined I meant that I felt deep discomfort about my thinking and how much I had objectified myself. I’m saddened that this is still the culture around us. I care less about perfection, but I still have that part in me that says I’m not measuring up to some degree. Sometimes it’s loud and sometimes it’s manageable, but it’s always worth the discovery. The funny part is I wrote this while in psycholinguistics class. Maybe this class didn’t just teach me about the mind’s language. Maybe it reminded me that mine was always worth listening to..